I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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