this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize