Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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