I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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