My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
