Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
