i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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