woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
