he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
