Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
