Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Still dying that you shit outside
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
