you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
