she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Never underestimate the power of titties
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