Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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