You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
