dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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