Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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