4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
