You just made me feel so damn special
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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