i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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