ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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