As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
