In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
