i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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