I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
