My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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