Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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