you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
