Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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