everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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