eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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