afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
