I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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