the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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