Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
