I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
