I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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