I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
