She announced her abortion via fbk
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The best revenge is premature balding
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
