Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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