I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize