if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
