this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
