2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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