Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
