Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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