I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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