The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
