Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
