listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
