Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
