My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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