She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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