i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Randomize
