he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
