fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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