Why does Corona taste like a burp?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
