I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
