apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
