So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
