you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
pray to the hookup gods
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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