Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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