And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
