By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My pussy is not your playground.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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